It was one if those days. I woke up feeling really lazy and dull. I totally didn’t want to get up for my morning devotion. It was not because I was so tired from yesterday’s 7.8 km run. It’s not that I just wanted to enjoy a few more minutes in bed before all the kids get up and another day of being a housewife and employee begins…
The main reason was that I was unkind to my husband and children last night and I was just overwhelmed with guilt. I wanted to hide from God. I felt so ashamed that after so many weeks of spending time in the Word and in prayer, reading books about godliness, listening to powerful preachers, and being an OK Christian for the past days, I just blew it.
I knew that feeling all too well. I felt guilty. I felt bad about my self. I felt as if all my labors to be a godly woman and be pleasing to the Lord were crushed by last night’s sudden emotional outburst. All was lost… It’s as if the God who has lovingly set His gaze on me was shocked, disappointed, and was looking at me with anger. He didn’t want to hear from me that day unless I weep strongly, sincerely apologize for my sins and promise never to fail again.
So, I lingered on my bed and tried to distract myself with my phone.
I knew that I should be with Him for our quiet time but I could not and would not dare call on Him because of what I did…
Yet I felt restless.
I want God. I long for Him.
I knew that it was one of those times I need Him most. Why should I turn away from and hide from Him?
My Savior died to tore the veil that long separated me from the Father. Through the Holy Spirit I was lovingly wooed and betrothed to Jesus. I was adorned with a pure white bridal robe–the righteousness of Christ a covering for all my imperfections, weaknesses, failures, and sins. This same covering alone makes me beautiful, spotless, and perfect in the sight of the Father. And He will never take this away from me no matter how badly I fail Him until that day when I will finally be with Him in glory.
And yet how often I forget that I am loved not because I perform well but only for the sake of Christ and His righteousness which was given to me when I believed. Why do I shrink back when God has already decided to love me when He has seen are all the reason to hate me? Why do I fear to approach Him who has given the most important treasure He has to save me from my sins and draw me to Himself? Even before He saved me He already saw my future, even my future sins, so why do I think that my failures will make Him change His mind?
So I often, I forget about this free, abounding grace on where I securely stand. Each day that passes, the Gospel becomes more glorious. Grace is for sinners like me and the Gospel is also for believers. I should preach the Gospel to myself daily. I should live in joy, reveling in the abundance of this grace and running this race in full confidence and glorying only in the finished work of my Savior.
May I ever cherish the Gospel and be always amazed at God’s amazing grace! Over and over again, I have to remind myself of Jerry Bridges’ words from his book entitled The Practice of Godliness:
If God’s love for us is to be a solid foundation stone of devotion, we must realize that His love is entirely of grace – that it rests completely upon the work of Jesus Christ and flows to us through our union with Him. Because of this basis His love can never change, regardless of what we do. In our daily experience, we have all sorts of spiritual ups and downs – sin, failure, discouragement – all of which tend to make us question God’s love. That is because we keep thinking that God’s love is somehow conditional. We are afraid to believe His love is based entirely upon the finished work of Christ for us.
Deep down in our souls we must get hold of the wonderful truth that our spiritual failures do not affect God’s love for us one iota – that His love for us does not fluctuate according to our experience. We must be gripped by the truth that we are accepted by God and loved by God for the sole reason that we are united to His beloved Son.
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